Bones: The Musical
by Captain Simpson
Summary: a musical romp through a case at the jeffersonian


disclaimer: i do not own bones, or any of the songs parodied.

PROLOGUE

--------------------

TECHS: IN THE CITY OF WASHINGTON DC,  
THE JEFFERSONIAN MUESUM SITS,  
INSIDE IT WORKS A TEAM,  
WHO GIVE LIFE BACK TO THE DEAD!  
BRENNAN! BRENNAN AND CO!  
WORKING WITH THE FBI,  
BRENNAN! BRENNAN AND CO!  
IN THEIR JOB THEY DO NOT CRY!

DR BRENNAN AND HER TEAM,  
WORK TO FIND THE CAUSE OF DEATH!  
THEIR INVESTIGATION TAKES THEM INTO THE WORLD OF MURDER AND CRIME,  
BUT THE TRUTH IS THE ONLY THING THAT THEY FIND!

BRENNAN! BRENNAN AND CO!  
WORKING TOGETHER TO FIND THE TRUTH!  
BRENNAN! BRENNAN AND CO!  
THIS TEAM SHOULD BE REMENBERD IN A BOOK!

dr brennan, booth, zach, cam, angela and hodgins come onstage when their names are called

BRENNAN! THE ANTHROPOLOGIST OF THE TEAM!  
BOOTH! THE AGENT WITH THE FBI!  
CAM! ZACH! ANGELA! THE TECHS AND DR GOODMAN!  
BRENNAN!BRENNAN AND CO!  
THAT LEAVES ONLY ONE!  
HODGINS! BUGS AND SLIME!

BRENNAN! BRENNAN AND CO!  
BRENNAN! BRENNAN AND CO!  
BRENNAN, BRENNAN, BRENNAN!  
BRENNAN AND CO!

END OF PROLOGUE

ACT 1 SCENE 1

The Jeffersonian institute, DAY.

BOOTH: bones, bones i have a body for bones.

BRENNAN: booth, booth i am busy booth. i will meet you in five minutes.

ZACH: dr brennan, dr brennan!

BRENNAN: i am busy dr addy!

BOOTH: bones we need to go. this body cannot get anymore dead than it already is.

BOOTH: BUSY BUSY BUSY, SHE'S SO BUSY, IN THIS MURDEROUS WORLD!  
IF SHE WASNT SO BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, SHE WOULD HAVE MORE TIME!

ALL: BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! SHE'S SO BUSY, IN THIS MURDEROUS WORLD!  
IF SHE WASNT SO BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, SHE WOULD HAVE MORE TIME!

BRENNAN: ARGH! IM SO BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, IN THIS MURDEROUS WORLD!

ALL: BUSY BUSY BUSY, SHE'S SO BUSY, IN THIS MURDEROUS WORLD!  
IF SHE WASNT SO BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, SHE WOULD HAVE MORE TIME!

EXIT. LIGHTS DIM AND CURTAIN CLOSES.

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ACT 1 SCENE 2

Crime scene, washington DC. dr brennan and booth see the body, mostly skeltalised.

BOOTH: the body is over there, bones.

BRENNAN: observations, observations.  
THE SKULL IS FRACTURED IN 25 PLACES, THE DISTAL PHALANGE IS CONTORTED AND TWISTED,  
THE STERNUM AND RIBCAGE IS FRACTURED AND BROKEN,  
THE BODY IS TOO DECAYED FOR FORMAL IDENTIFICATION!

the mood changes, enter the crime scene techs.

BRENNAN AND TECHS: HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 2 WEEKS!  
HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 2 WEEKS!  
THE BODY IS NEEDED AT THE JEFFERSONIAN!  
TAKE IT NOW!  
HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 2 WEEKS!

CURTAINS CLOSE. SCENERY CHANGE

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ACT 1 SCENE 3

the jeffersonian institute, evening.

the body enters on a gurney

BRENNAN: well, intitial observations show that he... BROKE HIS LEFT TIBIA TIBIA TIBIA, HE BROKE HIS LEFT TIBIA. IT WAS SELF DEFENSE. THERES... A MAJOR SKULL FRACTURE, FRACTURE, FRACTURE, FRACTURE. A MAJOR SKULL FRACTURE, THIS WAS AN UNSEEN ATTACK.

the rest of the forensics team enter, dancing in a line and doing the can can.

ZACH, ZACH, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE INJURIES?

ZACH: HE... BROKE HIS LEFT TIBIA TIBIA TIBIA TIBIA. HE BROKE HIS LEFT TIBIA, I CONCUR WITH YOU.  
dr brennan and booth pick up the corpse and begin to dance. the skeleral arms flying in different directions.

ALL: HE BROKE HIS LEFT TIBIA TIBIA TIBIA, HE BROKE HIS LEFT TIBIA IT WAS SELF DEFENSE!  
THERES A MAJOR SKULL FRACTURE, FRACTURE, FRACTURE, FRACTURE! THERES A MAJOR SKULL FRACTURE, THIS WAS AN UNSEEN ATTACK!

the scene calms down. stage hands bring back the skeletal arms.

BOOTH: was it murder, bones, was it murder?

BRENNAN: seeley, give me time.

the team start to sing again, taking off their labcots to reveal rocky horror show style costumes.

BRENNAN: Let's do the Timewarp again It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips. You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again

enter zach, angela, jack and cam, dancing with the corpse.

ALL: Let's do the Timewarp again It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips. You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again

curtain closes, the singing still heard. END OF ACT 1

ACT 2

After the cast had stopped prancing around in fishnet stockings and corsets goodman stepped out of the shadows

Booth: hey what are you doing here I thought cam was in charge Goodman: well you see [ starts to sing  
I'm unforgettable, that's what I am Unforgettable, its all one big plan To send cam off to iraq and bring me back you see Unforgettable, that is me

The rest of the squints don top hats and tails and spinning canes start to sing too

Squints: Unforgettable, in every way And forever more that's how you'll stay That's why booth its incredible, that someone so gullible Thinks that cam is unforgettable too

'cos never before has someone been so forgettable in every way.

Squints and Goodman stop singing and Angela nods her head in Brennens direction, booth mumbles and heads over to brennen.

Booth: so Bones, you've had time, what are your findings.  
Bones: My findings are these [ starts to sing  
I wanna know what love is I want you to show me I wanna know what love is, can't wait to the end of series three Booth: I will show you what love is Just open up to me I will show you what love is I'm feeling so lonely

Squints join in as backing vocals

Booth and Bones: We wanna know what love is Squints: oooooh they wanna know what love is Booth and Bones[ talking very mushily we will show each other

Zack and Hodgins mime throwing up

End of Act 2

ACT 3

crime scene washington dc

Booth: bones, bones. theres been an explosion. the victims have.  
NO HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES OR TOES, KNEES OR TOES.  
NO HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES OR TOES, OR EYES OR EARS OR MOUTH OR NOSE,  
NO HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES OR TOES, KNEES OR TOES.

BRENNAN: well. i suppose that they wont have a.  
Toe bone connected to the foot bone Foot bone connected to the leg bone Leg bone connected to the knee bone Knee bone connected to the thigh bone Thigh bone connected to the hip bone Hip bone connected to the back bone Back bone connected to the arm bone Arm bone connected to the shoulder bone Shoulder bone connected to the neck bone Neck bone connected to the head bone!

BOOTH AND BRENNAN: them bones them bones them dry bones, them bones them bones them dry bones!!

enter cam and zach, humming to themselves.

BRENNAN: cam, zach over here!

CAM: ah, dr brennan, booth. so, what have we got here.

BRENNAN: there was a large explosion. the victims were fragmented in the blast. they didnt see it coming.

the rest of the crime scene technicians gather round, removing their labcoats in a chigago style routine.

ALL: GUNPOWDER, NITROGYCERINE, TNT!  
THEY DIDNT HAVE IT COMING!  
THEY DIDNT HAVE IT COMING!  
SOME BASTARD IS TO BLAME!  
IF WE'D HAVE BEEN THERE,  
IF WE'D HAVE SEEN IT,  
WE WOULDNT HAVE DONE THE SAME!

the technicians move in circles, moving the body parts into evidence bags.

ALL: GUNPOWDER, NITROGYCERINE, TNT!  
TECH#1: THIS POOR MAN. HE DIDNT SEE IT COMING. AND NOW, HE'S DEAD!  
THEY DIDNT HAVE IT COMING!  
THEY DIDNT HAVE IT COMING!  
SOME BASTARD IS TO BLAME!  
IF WE'D HAVE BEEN THERE,  
IF WE'D HAVE SEEN IT,  
WE WOULDNT HAVE DONE THE SAME!

dr brennan moves over to an unidentified bone fragment

BRENNAN: THESE POOR PEOPLE. WHAT KIND OF PERSON KILL LIKE THIS. IF I EVER MEET THE BASTARD RESPONSIBLE, I'LL PUT THREE BULLETS. INTO HIS HEAD!

ALL: THEY DIDNT HAVE IT COMING!  
THEY DIDNT HAVE IT COMING!  
SOME BASTARD IS TO BLAME!  
IF WE'D HAVE BEEN THERE,  
IF WE'D HAVE SEEN IT,  
WE WOULDNT HAVE DONE THE SAME!

curtain closes. cam and booth are left on stage.

CAM: booth, who would do something like this?

BOOTH: well i will make sure that whoever did this will not see light for the next 100 years.

cam and booth sit closer together

CAM AND BOOTH: Bang bang, we'll shoot him down Bang bang, he'll hit the ground Bang bang, that awful sound Bang bang, we will shoot him down.

CAM: Now he's gone, I don't know why when i looked into his goddamn eye i began to cry He didn't even say goodbye He didn't take the time to lie.

CAM AND BOOTH: Bang bang, we'll shoot him down Bang bang, he'll hit the ground Bang bang, that awful sound Bang bang, we will shoot him down.

cam and booth leave the stage. lights go down.

END OF ACT 3

ACT 4

ACT 4 SCENE 1

booth and brennan awake in the egypt room.

BOOTH: bones, wasnt that great!

BRENNAN: naa, ive had bigger! but you are special. just goes to show that...

BOOTH AND BRENNAN: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!  
ALL WE NEED IS LOVE! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE, LOVE! LOVE IS ALL WE NEED!  
ZACH AND CAM: There's nothing we can do that can't be done.  
Nothing we can sing that can't be sung.  
Nothing we can say but you can learn how to play the game.  
It's easy.

BOOTH AND BRENNAN: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!  
ALL WE NEED IS LOVE! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE, LOVE! LOVE IS ALL WE NEED!  
JACK AND ANGELA: Nothing we can make that can't be made.  
No one we can save that can't be saved.  
Nothing we can do but you can learn how to be you in time.  
It's easy.

ALL: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!  
ALL WE NEED IS LOVE! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE, LOVE! LOVE IS ALL WE NEED!  
BOOTH: Nothing you can know that isn't known.  
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.  
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.  
It's easy.

BRENNAN: aww, booth!  
ALL: All we need is love (all together, now)  
All we need is love. (everybody)  
All we need is love, love.  
Love is all we need (love is all we need.  
brennan and booth move to kiss, the rest of the team humming 'all you need is love', swaying to the tune.  
REPRISE OF 'ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE FINAL VERSE ALL: All we need is love (all together, now)  
All we need is love. (everybody)  
All we need is love, love.  
Love is all we need (love is all we need).

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ACT 4 SCENE 2

the bones of the explosion victime come into the lab.

HODGINS: the chemicals on the bodies match those found in common chemical explosives.

BRENNAN: wht does it mean?

HODGINS: well...

the team gather round, holding their hands to their ears.

I FOUND... HYDROGEN AND CALCIUM AND SODIUM AND SELENIUM, LITHIUM AND CARBON AND FLOURINE AND TELENIUM,  
PHOSPHOROUS AND RADON AND ARGON AND XENIUM,  
GERMANIUM AND SUPHUR AND TUNGSTEN AND IRON.

BRENNAN: what does it all mean, jack. im not a chemical specialist.

HODGINS: WELL... THE BOMB WAS PLACED INSIDE THE CAR,  
RIGGED TO BLOW WHEN THE CAR WENT SO FAR,  
OOH OOH!  
IT WAS MADE FROM NAILS AND GLASS,  
TO INJURE THE OCCUPANTS IN EACH PASS,  
OOH OOH!

ALL: WHO WOULD MAKE A BOMB THIS BAD?  
WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS, WHY EH JACK?  
OOH OOH!

HODGINS: THE CAR BLEW UP IN A WOODLAND VERGE,  
THE OCCUPANTS DID NOT EMERGE!  
OOH OOH!

the techs go back to work, replacing their labcoats.  
BRENNAN: thank you, jack. angela! is that the facial reconstruction?

ANGELA: yes, sweetie. do you wish to see it?

BRENNAN: of course, angela.

the techs gather around the easel.

BRENNAN: how did you come to this conclusion?

ANGELA: WELL, I LOOKED AT THE SKULL, AND PICKED OUT THE REMAINING FEATURES,  
THERE WASNT MUCH BUT I DID THE BEST I COULD,  
SINCE THE SKULL WAS MOSTLY INTACT IT WAS EASIER THAN EXPECTED,  
WHEN I WAS FINISHED I RAN IT THROUGH THE DATABASE AND CAME OUT WITH VALERIE!

ALL: VALERIE!  
SHE CAME OUT WITH VALERIE!  
VALERIE!

BRENNAN: valerie who?

ANGELA: VALERIE DEXTER WAS HER NAME,  
HER DREAM WAS TO FLY,  
BUT HER LIFE WAS CUT SHORT,  
HER HOPES DASHED, WHEN SHE DIED!

ALL: VALERIE DEXTER WAS HER NAME!  
HER DREAM WAS TO FLY,  
BUT HER LIFE WAS CUT SHORT,  
HER HOPES DASHED, WHEN SHE DIED!

END OF ACT 4

ACT 5 ACT 5 SCENE 1

BOOTH:[singing Well doesn't she look mighty pretty How about that for you?  
We can figure it out together See tomorrow this case is due

Captain Bitty of DC hall wants it laid to rest And Dragon Lady don't want no talk About who does what and who does it best

Techs all join in and so do the squints, Hodgins stands there in black leather strumming away on a guitar

ALL: Silver bullets in her jaw bone Some still on the ground Everything else to the back of the mind Midnight at the sorting ground

At the end of the song hodgins reclothed in a lab coat the team stands around Booth.

BRENNAN: We'll sort this out Booth don't you worry Jack could you please remove any particulates.

HODGINS: my pleasure!

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ACT 5 SCENE 2

Hodgins moves to his lab table and collects all the particulates around him.  
While doing this an overvoice clears its throat.

HODGINS:[singing Whenever theres a crime or trouble and no-one can solve the mystery just call jack hodgins on the double bugs and slime make history

it may be full moon or whenever the bugs can tell you that my friend they'll catch you out in any weather so I'd start funning, 'cos you can't frame

Jack starts his work humming his little 'theme tune'

OVERVOICE:[singing  
Once, there was this boy who got a kick of looking at little globs of goo But when he finally grew up His job, was to look at bugs and slime

He said that his favourite bit was looking at the bits of dirt...

HODGINS: It is not called dirt! Dirt is a meaningless word! The word dirt means nothing in a lab!

OVERVOICE: Sorry

The overvoice steps down and Hodgins goes back to work, then suddenly hits his forehead and runs to get Booth and Brennan.

END OF ACT 5

ACT 6 ACT 6 SCENE 1

BOOTH: congrats everybody we solved the case [singing There was a man with a chinese sawn off in his hand walking through the streets of Dc in the rain he was looking for a young pretty face trying to get a big dish of face of the day

ALL: ooh ooh Killers of Under

BOOTH: Well congrats Hodgins it was the chemicals that you found in the dirt...

HODGINS: It isn't dirt!

BOOTH:...that really nailed the defence. [cufing him on the back Well done everybody!

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ACT 6 SCENE 2

BOOTH: Hey Bones, I had a question?

BRENNAN: Yeah?

BOOTH[singing When did you fall in love with me?  
was it out of the blue, 'cos I swear I never knew it When did you let your heart run free?  
have you been waiting long, when did you fall in love with me?

when did you fall in love?

BRENNAN:[singing I got my first real feeling right after that first time when we worked together on the case was the summer of '99

ALL:[singingBaby we can see them moving like that Baby we can see them dancin' like that Baby we can see them chillin' like that We don't need another he said she said

He said girl your winnin'  
She said then where you been at Stop talkin' lets get with it Just like that they...

Hodgins and Zach break off from singing to pretend to be sick again as Booth and Brennan kiss.

BOOTH: Its been a good day!

------------------

ACT 6 SCENE 3

Brennan is the last one in the lab, as usual, and shes working late, as usual.  
Suddenly she sees something that nearly makes her faint.

BRENNAN:[singingI was working in the lab late one night When my eyes beheld an eerie site for my corpse from the stand began to rise and suddenly to my surprise

The techs, Booth and the Squints rush in decked out in halloween gear, and start to dance and join in a backing vocals

ALL: He did the mash!

BRENNAN: He did the body mash

ALL: The body mash!

BRENNAN:It was a graveyard smash

ALL:He did the mash!

BRENNAN:It caught on in a flash

ALL: He did the mash

BRENNAN: HE DID THE BODY MASH!

Corpse and skeletons start dancing with everybody as the dance around the lab, Goodman and Cam join in in one big conga line as they dance out of the building, singing The Mash, leaving Brennan and Booth standing there a little bemused.

BOOTH: Odd!

BRENNAN: Just a little, oh well. Chinese?

BOOTH: Yeah, and Brennan, Happy Halloween!

BRENNAN: You too, But Booth you do know that I really don't...

They walk out of the now empty lab, corpses and all and as Booth switches of the lights you hear strains of celebrate good times coming from a now distant conga line. They shake their heads and head to the nearest chinese.

END

CO-WRITTEN BY STEPHANIE DARRALL AND LIAM GAUSDEN

HAPPY BELATED HALLOWEEN, AND SORRY I (STEPHANIE) WENT A BIT WEIRD AT THE END. ENJOY!!


End file.
